6.5 pounds :) 60 pounds total :)

So today I broke a rule of mine and I weighed myself on my scale at home. It's not the first time I've broken that rule, but I try to stick to it whenever possible. But this morning I got on the scale before breakfast and au naturale and I had lost 6.5 pounds! So now I am down 60 pounds :) I can't tell you how wonderful that was to see. So I am definitely through the plateau.

All along I have had a worry about reaching the 200lb mark. In the past I have reached that weight and either plateaued and not been able to get past it or gotten past and then ballooned right back up. In the last couple weeks I've lost that fear. I've found that I'm understanding more of what I need to do and that knowledge has given me more confidence. This time I think I can get through it.

I had the goal of getting under 200 before going home over Christmas and I need to loose over 2pounds now to achieve that. Wish me luck!

I hope you're well-

ok, yes, probably wheat and nuts. maybe dairy.

So I've been really careful for the last few weeks. I took wheat out first. That was SO hard. I was definitely craving everything wheat that I could get my hands on. But I have to say, within a couple days the dark circles under my eyes were mostly gone. I also noticed that I felt calmer. I wasn't getting that anxious clench in my stomach that I get a lot.

But I was definitely trying to eat anything that I could, looking for something that would give me that wheat taste/flavor/whatever. Never found it.

After a couple weeks that need went away. But I still had some darkness around my eyes. So Mike told me to try taking out dairy. I took it out and I don't think that made a difference. I didn't notice any change in the eyes, the way I felt, anything.

I bought some beautiful hickory smoked almonds at the farmer's market- just so yummy- and I had those one day for my fats. 6 servings. The next morning when I woke up my eyes were all dark again. I was pretty angry about that. I love nuts as much as I love wheat, and here I seem to have an intolerance for that as well.

So I've taken out nuts and wheat and sometimes dairy. I'm eating dairy about every 2-3 days just because I'm not sure if I have an intolerance for it. I think I need to call my doctor and see if I can get tested for food allergies. But those tests don't always give accutrate results. So, who knows? Right now I'm judging by my eyes.

Anyways. I had a weigh in a couple weeks ago and It didn't go well. I hadn't seen Manuel in a month and I had been SO careful. I was really on point for what I was eating and I was on the mark with my exercise. I had really started noticing a lot of changes in my body shape and the way my clothes fit and then I stepped on the scale. In one month I had only lost 2.5 pounds. I was not happy.

Here I had been really, really good and that was the result. I felt like it had been a wasted month. I know in my head it wasn't wasted, but that's how it felt. I have Manuel and Mike for a very short time. A year seems like a long time, but it's really not. Manuel said that having been as on point as I was meant we could be certain that I was on a plateau. So he told me we'd pull back from 1600 to 1400 calories. He was going to wait till after Thanksgiving so I would have some flexibility on the holiday. I decided I didn't need the flexibility because I had cut out all the stuff that I would normally eat that would be the big calorie hits for me- No stuffing, no pie, no rolls- all have wheat. So I pulled myself back to 1400 Thanksgiving week. Tomorrow I have a weigh in. Let's see what happens.

Unfortunately this week I haven't been able to exercise at all this week because I've been really sick. I had a fever yesterday, I've been taking Mucinex to get my lungs clear, I've been exhausted. Today was the first day I stepped out of my apartment for any time at all. But walking back up the stairs- 2 1/2 flights- was exhausting. I've been really careful about my eating because of that.

I hope this weigh in is better. I don't see how it couldn't be better.

I'm worried about December's eating in some ways. There are so many Chanukah parties coming up (I missed one tnite because of this cold and I'm fine with that) and my birthday is Saturday and people want to take me out for my birthday.And when I go home to Texas there will be all sorts of possibilities for breaking my good habits. I have to figure out how to deal with all these things. I noticed that Manuel has posted some things about holiday party survival so I'll read through those.

So, to sum up, I've taken a lot of stuff out of my diet and It's affected the structure of my diet quite a bit. I definitely feel calmer than before and I'm totally fine now with the changes. It took some getting used to, but in the end I'm not as upset with it as I was when I thought about making the changes. There are a lot of challenges coming up and I need to find some tools to help me through them, but in the end I know it'll be fine. If I feel like things are getting out of control I can actually chose to opt out of all these things and be okay with that as well. I can totally chose not to eat any of it. But I'd like to find a way to have some of it if I can.

I hope you all are well.

It's been a while...

The last few weeks have been SO busy. I've had classes 4 days a week and work in the lab 3 days a week. I feel like I've hardly had time to breathe. Our apartment is a mess, I haven't had a hot meal in weeks. I have been eating the basics- turkey, bell peppers, tomatoes, avocado, crackers, fruit. My exercise has been the basics as well- biking back and forth around town, workouts with Mike. I've been running on autopilot. I'm down to 209.4 pounds, which puts me at 52.2 pounds down.

My Saturday and Wednesday classes are over now and my Tuesday class ends next week. So I'm finally going to be back to a regular schedule. I can finally get some hot meals again. And rest some.

I finally tried on some clothes and got really upset because with all this weight loss I'm only down 1 waist size in pants and 1 size in shirts (and by some makers, not even 1 size). Apparently I am losing most slowly from my waist. I feel a bit like a Tim Burton character- little tiny legs, big belly. My body shape has definitely changed and I am definitely losing weight. No question about that. But the way I'm losing it is so disproportionate that I have no need to buy new clothes yet. I'm certainly not going to buy clothes for each waist size all the way down.

I think this is why so many people I know have not really mentioned that I'm smaller because I'm still in the same clothes. They can't really see that I've lost that much. In that way it's a bit disheartening.

So my therapist mentioned that maybe I have a wheat allergy. She said that food allergies can cause all sorts of things from anxiety to mood swings to depression to bloating and so on. She though maybe I'm bloating around the midsection and that's why I'm only one size down. I looked up information on it online. I certainly don't have any serious allergy to wheat because that would be Celiac's disease, which is as dangerous as peanut allergies, lethal. But apparently there is a wheat intolerance, which I may have. And maybe I have some milder version of an allergy, or I may be allergic to other foods.

I thought about it and my mother has many food allergies. I am tired all the time, no matter what. I'm just always tired. I have the dark circles around my eyes that come from allergies. I had always thought it was because I'm allergic to pet dander and dust, but I have no pets anymore and our place is not so dusty that I sneeze from dust anymore. My asthma doesn't react the way the doctors tell me asthma happens. A lot of the time I feel it in my throat, not my lungs. Maybe I'm allergic to something I eat.

So I talked with Manuel about it and he said if I want to try 6 weeks gluten free (6 weeks is the amount of time a body needs to clear something out of the system) I could do that and see what happens. He gave me a list of things to avoid. He said that anytime someone eats something so consistently (like everyday) for years they can gain an intolerance to it and their system then doesn't want it anymore. I eat wheat several times a day every day. I can't think of a day before I made this decision where I didn't eat wheat. I just can't think of a single one. And I am a bread addict. I love bread. Especially yeasty, dense, hot bread with huge gobs of butter on it. I could eat that quite happily every day. I have now replaced the bread and crackers with sweet potatoes, lentils, rice crackers, quinoa. We'll see how it goes.

But I can tell you that in the few days that I've been doing this (5 days so far) the dark circles under my eyes have lightened and I am not nearly anywhere close to as anxious about anything. I just haven't had the same physical reaction to stress. That's an interesting surprise to me.

Mike, my trainer, is very excited about the idea of going non-wheat and non-dairy. He says that about 80% of the white population has a gluten intolerance and he has been gluten and dairy free for a while, but every once in a while has a bread product and doesn't feel too well afterward. He would also prefer that I go off any processed foods. At the moment I don't see myself ever completely getting all wheat out of my diet. I really love donuts, bread and cakes, and crackers and cereal. I can find cereals without gluten for sure. bread is harder to find. And I wouldn't trust a gluten free donut.

So that's where I stand right now. I've passed the 50pd mark. I'm trying to see if I have an allergy. I'm hoping that, if I do, I will lose some waist sizes to bloating, but I'm not counting on it. If I don't lose some to bloating, we'll have to look at if there is some other thing I'm doing that's keeping my waist so close to its original size or if this is just how I lose weight right now.

I hope you all are well.

realizations

Hi Everone!

So I went home to see my brother's graduation (yay, Jason!) and while I was there I wanted to look for some photos I promised a friend I would post. I found out some stuff I hadn't remembered.

For as long as I can remember I have thought of myself as fat. I remember being told I was a heavy baby because I was 8 or 10 pounds when I was born. I remember being put on weight watchers as a child. I was the youngest one in the meetings, the only child. I remember my grandmother looking at me when I was a child and telling an aunt that she could tell I had lost some weight because you could, "see it in the neck. It looks smaller."

I've always thought of myself as having been fat my entire life. But when I was looking through these photos of me as a child I realized I wasn't always fat. I saw lots of photos of me and could see my collarbones. I could see my legs were thin and my neck was thin. I wasn't always fat.

And it made me realize that I could get back to being thin. That I was capable of actually being thin because I had been thin before. Which made me realize that I hadn't actually thought I was capable of doing this. I was trying as hard as I could but I would eventually fail, as I always did, because I can't lose it. How can I lose it if I'm a fat person? I have always said to myself, "Don't waste their time! Don't waste their time! You have to do as much as you can as fast as you can so you're not wasting their time!" Well, why would I be wasting their time unless they chose someone who couldn't do it?

It makes sense that I would initially think I couldn't actually lose the weight. Having tried and failed as many times as I have, how could that not be in the back of my mind? But I had no idea how deep it went. And no idea that it was really there until I saw those photos. It was a revelation to me.

Since then I have felt a calm I never felt before. I really, truly believe this will happen for me. I truly believe that I can actually reach my goal now.

I hope you're well!

Kelley

first exercise back

Hi Everybody!

After a couple weeks of trying not to sweat the doctor has told me that I can officially shower again. No more sponge baths! Yay!

I am still a bit sore every once in a while, but I was given the go to exercise and so I started back up. I went to the gym Friday, the day after the doctor said I was good to go. I did a very small amount of weight lifting to try things out. I did about 15 or 20 pounds on the cable machines and did every exercise I could think of on it. But only 1 set of each exercise. I promised myself that no matter whether I felt great I would only do one set of each. I didn't want to overwork myself by accident. After the weights I did 15 minutes of cardio on an elliptical machine. By the end of all that I was exhausted and felt like I could sit down. But I also felt good.

Then I had a workout with Mike on Monday. I felt like I had never worked out before in my life. I was so exhausted! He had me stop and rest about ever other exercise, but, still, at one point I got dizzy. He asked me to walk around and just breath deep until it passed. I was worn out like I've never been worn out before. But I felt great that day and the next. I had just the small bit of tightness that comes from working out muscles that haven't been worked in a while. And the day after the workout I had a follow up with a doctor who said everything looked great.

I've had a few sessions now with Mike and it's getting better, but I'm still not 100% I don't think. We're not doing really strenuous stuff yet, but we're doing enough and I'm burning the calories. And that's really the important part. Everything is getting back to normal.

And the spot is healing just fine. I have a checkup with my doctor soon and there shouldn't be any issue that I can think of. It all looks good. And I still lost 6 pounds while I couldn't exercise! That was surprising! It just goes to prove that it's more about what you put in your mouth than how much exercise you do. It's hard to accept that, seeing as how for as long as I can remember I've always pushed myself to exercise more and harder than the day before. I have to remind myself all the time that it's about the food. How much of what am I eating? That's the important thing.

Hope you're all well!

Kelley

injury :(

Hi Everyone!

So I had an epidermoid cyst on my back. It got infected and the infection would not clear up so my doctor removed the cyst. I've been on powerful antibiotics for 2 weeks now and have 3 more days to go of them. I haven't been able to exercise because I can't get the area dirty. So for the last week I've been keeping very strictly to my eating plan so I don't gain while I'm stuck doing almost nothing. This is a difficult task because when I get sick I want to eat everything in sight. Why can't I be one of those people who can't eat because they get nauseous? Oh well.

This definitely curtails the swimming for a while.

Mike keeps checking in on me to see when we can get started again, but no word from the Dr yet as to when that will be.

But I gotta say, I feel much better with the thing removed! And it is healing well. The nurses change the bandage every couple days and they say it's looking better and better. So overall it's good.

I will hopefully see Manuel on Friday. I'll let you know-

Kelley

back on track

Hi Everyone!

I feel like I'm really back on track the last week (even though I haven't been able to stop thinking about cake... I really want a piece of chocolate cake- interesting, well made with lots of frosting and fun stuff like hazel nuts or raspberries). I'm guessing I should just plan for it and get it because I haven't stopped thinking about it in a couple weeks. But I've been really good about making sure that I have all the basics around, like the turkey breast, crackers, avocados, etc. Having the right food around is crucial to me keeping on track. Whenever I don't have easy access to the right stuff, I always end up eating too much of the wrong stuff (yummy stuff, but not what I need to keep going in the right direction).

I've had a lump on my back for the last few years- the doctor told me it's an epidermoid cyst (so it's totally benign). As I'm loosing weight it's starting to hurt. Mike, my trainer, and I are guessing that as I'm loosing weight it has less cushioning around it and so it's starting to hit nerves and irritate the muscles. I'm going to have to see if there is anything that can be done about it. I'm hoping it won't have to be surgically removed. Or, if it does, I hope the surgery is very minor. I really don't want to be out of commission for a long time because of this lump.

I have been really mixing up my exercise. I'm swimming, riding a bike, doing weights with Mike, walking, and sometimes using cardio machines. So I'm hoping that I'm working as many muscle sets as I can. I'm hoping that I'm mixing it up enough
to keep the whole muscle confusion thing going (as I understand it, muscle confusion means making sure that the muscles aren't getting into too much of a routine and therefore not burning as much as they can burn). And I've been trying to spread my exercise throughout the day to help keep the metabolism going as long as possible. We'll see if it makes a difference.

So this week is just trucking along. Nothing big, nothing too terribly out of the ordinary. Just trying to keep on track. Amazing how much I've been thinking about having a few glasses of wine and a bunch of cake and a danish and whatever else would derail me. Once you eat sugar you crave sugar. I really have to stay determined.

I hope you're well! Talk to you again soon!

wierd week

Hi everyone!

This has been a weird week in that I have not had around the foods I prefer to eat, the things that have made the eating plan easy- things like turkey breast or chicken breast. I just ran out and haven't made the time to get to the store (we buy turkey from Costco because we buy so much of it- that's a totally different shopping excursion) and I haven't made the time to cook the chicken breasts. Also, Rhonda and I went wine tasting (something we love to do, but it's a huge calorie punch). I didn't want to feel like I couldn't make the wine tasting work, so we went. We were going to be in the Lodi area to shoot some pictures of a friend's farm and how can you not go wine tasting when you're that close to amazing Zinfandel wineries? How, I ask you?

And on top of that I found some fairly deeply ingrained mental structures that run my choices. Rhonda and I went to the mission neighborhood to grab some quick dinner before her boxing class and my choir rehearsal. I was going to get tacos and she wanted a burrito. She ordered her burrito and then saw a sign for 2 for 1 on the burritos that day and she said I should order one so my dinner would be free. I noticed later that I felt very flustered, didn't want to hold up the line, and suddenly felt very poor. So I ordered a burrito- much more food than I had wanted to order and yet I felt the need to order it. And over the course of the rehearsal I ate the whole thing. I don't know if I actually felt hungry or if I thought I felt hungry because it was there.

And tonight is the Texas Party, a party some friends and I put on every so often. We're all from Texas and get homesick and want to just get together and celebrate the good parts of Texas. So we'll have a chili cook-off and spoonbread, cornbread, tacos, line dancing, a trivia game, and who knows what else. We have a good number of people coming this year and I'm excited for it. But clearly there will be a lot of good food that I will have to control myself around. Bad situation to be in the middle of this week after all the other high calorie situations.

Well, I increased my exercise a bit this week because of the extra calories eaten. I hope I haven't exercised too much. But I've been very conscious lately about trying to spread that exercise over the day to boost the metabolism all day long. I do some weights in the morning, and cardio all over the rest of the day by walking different places, biking places.

I guess in the end all I can do is get myself back on track and see what happens on the scales! I have to go get the foods I need to have around and be prepared like I had been before and just do the things I know work. It's really that simple. I'm not down on myself for this last week. I really wanted to go wine tasting and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Mentally I think that was worth it. So now I get to get back on track.

I hope you're well!

this week

Hello Everyone!

This was the first week where I planned a whole bunch of cardio and a bunch of it didn't happen. Monday I did my workout at my gym (Mike was away at San Diego pride this last weekend). I thought about doing cardio Monday, but then thought no- Rhonda and I would be going down to a friend's farm on Tuesday and I really thought we'd be picking vegetables. Picking actually burns more calories than you'd think! We went berry picking on Saturday and that burned about 645 calories in 2 hours. So I thought I would wait and do cardio on Tuesday at the farm.

Well, we didn't pick anything. He just showed us around the farm, which was great, but not a workout. When I got home, though, I was so tired (it had been 90 degrees all day, very hot for me) I almost fell asleep 2x before I finally decided to just give it up and go to sleep.

Then I did my second weight workout Wednesday morning and thought that night I would walk home from working at the lab. But Rhonda showed up and told me there would be a birthday party for her mom that evening and asked if I wanted to go with her from work. So no cardio again. And on top of that, a very small piece of cake and 2 chicken strips.

So I was feeling fat, didn't sleep much and then had to go do a workout with Mike the next day. I was sluggish during the workout and don't know if that was just the sleep or a mixture of the sleep and bad food the night before.

But I finally got in some cardio! I used the arc trainer for the first time in a loooong time. I've been doing so much walking downtown to classes and walking home from the gym or classes, and now swimming too, that I haven't used a cardio machine in a long time. I wonder if there is a difference in the quality of the cardio workout when it's a machine workout or a walk or a swim...

This morning I swam for 30 min and I'll walk home from work and then I'll just have one more cardio workout to do this week. Mike said that being this far in and this being the first week where life got in the way of workouts was actually really good. Not a bad record.

So Rhonda and I are trying to switch over to organic meats to go along with our organic fruits and vegetables. In order to do that We re having to find some organic lunch meats or at least free range, grass fed. That's harder than you would think. We have tried a few organic turkey slices and they have a weird texture or weird taste (and it's not that, "Oh wait! This is what meat's supposed to taste like!" weirdness, it's just funky). So we're looking for maybe a meat CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) or to find some organic turkey breasts to cook and then slice (also harder to find than you'd think).

Going to the farm was part of trying to really be aware of where our food comes from, who has contact with it, how is it grown and harvested. We have known this farmer, Richard, for a couple years now. We see him almost every Saturday, unless we're out of town. We chat with him and but organic vegetables and fruit from him. He introduces us to things we've never tried before, like Purslane (really good if you can find it) and lemon cucumbers. Seeing his farm and really having an idea of what growing requires, what a small, family farm looks like, and such, gave me a different level of respect for what our farmers bring each week.

Okay, that's all for now. Talk to you again soon!

wow! been away too long!

Sorry that I haven't posted in a while!

I've been keeping up with the nutrition and the workouts and am still going at it. No change there! I am at a total of 33 pounds lost now. Yay!

I have been reduced to 1600 calories a day and am still on the average of 400 calories/day of exercise. I've started trying some different types of exercise, like swimming. I always really enjoyed swimming, but hated getting the inevitable sunburn. Lucky for me, though, the gym I belong to has a large indoor lap pool! That's a nice bonus. I have been using it, too.

I have to be careful about the swimming, though, because it's such a huge calorie burner. One hour of swimming can burn up to about 1200 calories. If I am going to do an hour I have to add calories to that day and take away calories from another so I don't get myself back into the same issue I was having when I started this whole thing- burning so many calories that I start going into starvation mode. I have to work hard to keep the balance I need to actually lose weight.

With that in mind, I usually do about half an hour of laps (which for me is about 18 laps). I mix it up so that it's breast stroke and freestyle (slow to moderate speed) and that burns about 500-600 calories. I am trying to do that once a week, twice if I have the time. It keeps things interesting.

I realized last week that I was nervous about the reduction to 1600 calories. I had been getting sloppy with the measurements of food, adding a bit here and there. It didn't feel like rebellion, but it was. I realized after a week of saving different types of calories for a July 4th barbeque, and then eating like a pig on the 4th, that I could eat a lot less than 1600, still do the same amount of exercise with no issue on less, and then eat like a pig and stay within the guidelines for the week. That was a good realization and I started being more careful for the rest of the week. I'm not nervous anymore about that.

I am, however, sore. The way that my body is reshaping itself i have needed to start sleeping with a pillow between my knees or else i wake up sore in the middle of the night. Well, I've realized that the pillow causes it's own soreness issues. And now I have to learn new types of stretches for the psoas and periformas muscles in order to relieve some of the soreness. it's wreaking havoc on my lower back right now and so I am doing daily stretches to help relieve that.

I had photos taken the first day I worked with Mike, the 'Before' photos. Monday I had more photos taken to see the progress so far, about 1/3 through. I have to say that I was disappointed with how little progress the photos show. I feel I've made a good amount of progress so far and the photos don't show it. I can see some little changes in the photos, but overall I still just see pretty much the same picture. But I have to remind myself that the outfit for the picture is not form fitting, it's not flattering, it's just a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. Other outfits I have clearly show progress. I wore a shirt the other night that didn't fit at all when this started and now (it's form-fitting) it's big enough to look kinda sloppy. I'll have to photoshop the pictures together and post them on here. Maybe at the halfway point new pictures will show more progress.

That's all I can think of for the moment. I hope you're well!

lost another 2 Lbs! 19.6 pounds total so far.

So I met with Manuel today and I have lost another 2 pounds. That makes a total of 19.6 pounds down. Since things seem to be slowing down a bit he's reduced my calories to 1600 from 1800. He told me that if I need to eat a few more calories to do it, since I'm still losing at 1800. But to try to make it protein, like another ounce of chicken or whatever.

I told all this to Mike and he's going to talk to Manuel about whether he should increase my exercise. I hope not! I'm still getting exhausted with what he's got me doing right now and to try and do it on fewer calories has me a bit worried. I'm sure I would get used to it, but I kinda want a week or so to get used to dealing with just 1600 calories before I try to add in more exercise.

I asked Manuel some questions today. I had noticed that in all my computer work at the school my eyes had been getting tired at the beginning of the semester. But that once I increased the number of orange foods I'd been eating, like carrots and yams, the tiredness went away. I wanted to know other good foods for the eyes. He pointed me to his new website, www.nutritionforyou.com and it has nutrition blogs that answer all sorts of questions like that. I read a few and they were very helpful to me. Maybe they will be for you as well.

I also asked him about a day this week that I had exercised more than expected. I took a longer walk than I thought I was taing and ended up burning over 1000 calories that day. As I had understood it before he said that if I went over the 900 calories for the day in exercise that I was putting myself in too much stress and to borrow calories from another day. I asked him today if I had taken the right amount. He said because the exercise was one that I have a great deal of muscle memory for (walking) that it's not the same as trying a spin class or rock climbing or something like that. Those would add a different kind of stress and that's when I should borrow calories. He was happy with what I'd done anyway.

I also asked him about fish tacos. I really love fish tacos and I'm pretty sure that we'll be headed to the Flying Fish Cafe sometime soon, down in Half Moon Bay. I think we'll be berry picking in Pescadero sometime soon and we always like to stop off at the Flying Fish Cafe for a fish taco. I wondered how to gauge the fried fish. He said to make it a medium fat meat rather than the lean meat it is.

That's where I am today. If you have any questions please post them!

Thanks!

Kelley

Things are moving fast!

This is the end of the semester and things are moving so fast. A lot of work to finish fast.

I meet with Manuel tomorrow for a weigh in. Sometimes I feel really frustrated because I go back and forth between feeling like I'm losing weight and feeling like I'm not. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I can see I look different, thinner, smaller. But I can still wear my same old clothes and they aren't looking over-sized or falling off yet. When will that happen? I'm not looking forward to wasting money on transitional clothes, but oh well.

I'm happy with the food I'm eating. I'm able to create combinations of things and able to eat out at restaurants enough. There are still things I need to figure out how to deal with, like Indian food. How do I deal with restaurants that are cooking things that I have no idea what's in it? I was surprised that the some of my favorite Indian recipes have cream in them. But I love those recipes and I will have to learn how to deal with it.

I'll write more tomorrow after my meeting.

Sorry it's been so long. weeks 7 & 8

hello! sorry I haven't posted in a couple weeks. Here's what's been going on since the last one.

I had another weigh-in with Manuel and have lost a total of 13.8 pounds, 12.8 of which have been pure fat. That's a lot of fat. He showed me a visual representation of that and it looked pretty gross. I was happy about it but was also a little sad that I hadn't lost more than that. I thought because of the way my clothes were fitting that I had lost more. I have to remember to not be so tied to numbers. The numbers aren't necessarily something that I will agree with or understand why they aren't what I wanted them to be. So if I can just let the numbers go I will be happier about it all.

I also talked with Manuel about the final numbers, where I want to be at the end. I had a little emotional thing there too, when he said that the 185 we had talked about before was where he thought I would end up. I never wanted to end at 185. I thought that was way too high. I thought I would end up at 130. He said I have too much muscle to end up there in a year. If I am at 22% body fat I will be at 165, again way higher than I had thought. Again I was tied to a number. I've been so set on getting my weight down to 130 (because that's where the national stats say someone of my height should be, somewhere between 125 and 140 I believe) that I have wanted to be there for years. I had no idea I had that much muscle on me. He said we could lose muscle eventually if I believe I have more than I want, but that we shouldn't lose it now of course because it helps burn fat.

I don't know if I want to lose the muscle. I've never wanted to be so thin that I looked like I could blow away in a light wind like some girls look. I want to be healthy. Health is my main goal. I had to remind myself that I don't even know what I'll look like at 165. I could really like that look. So I told myself to stop freaking out and wait till I get there to see what I actually think. That helped.

I have been incredibly stressed with payment for the classes I'm taking. I've been trying to upgrade my skills to move back into the field that I actually wanted to be in all along, film and photography. That's where my education lies. I just haven't been able to get the jobs I want. So here I am now, back in school, and my classes are supposed to be covered by the Workforce Investment Act. But trying to get the money from them has been a nightmare. And over the last 2 weeks, especially so. I have been going round and round with them about a check they were supposed to have already sent in to cover 2 classes, but it has never arrived and I've been scrambling trying to get them the information they've lost, contact the people that need to be contacted at the school to try and sit in the classes anyway till they're paid for, find who might be able to trace the check if it indeed did make it here (which I suspect it didn't), etc. I've been so stressed and so tired. I've had to be very conscious of not stress eating and not splurging on the things I would normally turn to in emotional eating (i.e. doughnuts, chocolate, cookies, etc).

I realized, though, that I started getting a little sloppy last week with my food. I started thinking, "Am I done yet?" I just wanted to be done with something, because I was too stressed, too overloaded with constantly trying to keep up with everything right now that I wanted to be done with anything, just get something off the plate. And so I got sloppy with the thing that was easiest to be sloppy with and would give me at least temporary instant gratification, food. I wasn't as concerned with amounts of things for the last few days. I didn't go crazy, thank God. I would have felt guilty if I had. But I wasn't as good as I had been. I ate more fat, didn't eat as much protein or fruits as I should have. But I stayed within my calories and I am not too far off as far as the weekly targets go for protein, fats and carbs.

But I started thinking about it yesterday morning, why was I being so sloppy? And how could I get myself out of it? I realized that this was just like any relationship, any commitment. You can't just say, "I'm going to do something!" one time and expect to feel that commitment for the rest of your life. Things that you care about have to be tended to continuously. And something like your health is a constant, daily commitment. So I recommitted yesterday morning. I told myself that I am still in this, and in it for the long haul. And I had a good day! I ate what I was supposed to eat. I found staying away from the pop-tarts in the vending machine easier, not that I didn't think about them. And the snickers bars. But I made the right choices. And I was happier for it.

And today is going well. I walked right past Beard Pappas, the eclair place (they're soooo good), and all the doughnut places on the way to school. And I'm having the food I need to eat, and that I enjoy.

And my exercise has been going well. I have been working with Mike 3 times a week. Next week he'll be doing a boot camp in Mexico. He and Billy will be doing a working vacation. So I will have next week's workouts on my own using the computer system to remind me of what exercises I'm supposed to do and what they look like, etc. Going to my own gym will save me a lot of time next week and I have to say, I'm excited about that.

I have been doing more walking to school over the last couple weeks, rather than going in to the gym to do just a cardio workout. I just haven't had the time and if I'm still burning the calories I need to burn I wasn't going to make myself crazy trying to fit in doing it at the gym if I didn't have. But I think that I will be able to get back to the more intense cardio on the machines next week. I do like the intensity of working on the machines, and the control of the workout. But I can't always get there and I still need to do something. So walking to the school is a good enough substitute.

But Mike is still kicking my butt. His workouts are pretty intense. I enjoy them, though. He targets muscles that I don't realize are being targeted till later in the day. He's sneaky like that. I'm definitely getting a workout and my clothes are definitely fitting differently, better. People are starting to notice that I'm losing weight. I'm not the only one that sees the difference. And that's nice.

Also! I just found out that Manuel is taking his nutrition business national. Congratulations to him! His system, which he's calling 'Nutrition for You!' will be available to anyone over the computer and by phone. That's really exciting. I know a lot of people who I hope will take advantage of this. I'd love to see them healthier.

Till next time- Bye!

week 6 post 1, 12 pounds down!

Hello All!

Thanks so much for reading! I appreciate everyone's encouragement.

This week had more ups and downs. I started off just trying to eat what I was supposed to eat. But there were 2 things I couldn't stop thinking about: 1. Cakes 2. Did I lose any weight?

I worked out with Mike 3 times and those went well, except for Thursday when I tried to do my cardio before I met with Mike. Trying that made the workout soooo much harder. Bad choice. When I was eating several thousand calories a fay that wasn't an issue. I always had extra energy then.

When I met with Manuel I found out I had lost a total of 12 lbs. That was exciting!

When I went home and told Rhonda, though, I started getting nervous. I wondered f I would be able to keep this up. What if that was all I lost? It wasn't till the next day that I started thinking about it and asked myself, "Has it been very hard so far? No, it hasn't. I just need to take it slowly and concentrate on today.

week 5 post 1

This week has been really good! I've been pretty much spot on! I've gotten my calories right, and the breakdown of the carbs/proteins/fats right. Amazing. Last week I couldn't get any of it right and this week all my numbers are right. I have to be okay with the times I don't get it right.

The only issue this week is that I took on a new shift at my computer lab and when I looked at my calendar to make sure I didn't have any conflicts I needed to reschedule I didn't see a meeting with Manuel. So I had to cancel that meeting, go on the wait list, and hope that someone else canceled theirs. That didn't happen. Everybody has, thus far, kept their appointments. I guess I won't see Manuel till next week.

I have a haircut scheduled right before I see him. I told Mike today that I wanted to go into the meeting saying that I had my hairdresser weigh the hair so I could subtract that from the total on the weigh-in and know what I REALLY lost over these weeks and see what Manuel does. Could be fun!

I have noticed that sometimes I have more energy than before and sometimes I have less. I have been sleeping regularly, and that's a HUGE change from before. I have had sleep issues for as many years as I can remember. I can feel my body changing shape. I haven't had to "suck it in" when I put on things that have just come out of the dryer (that's a nice change). And the things that had started becoming tight before I started with Mike are no longer tight. Yay!

Also, this week was free pastry day at Starbuck's and free cone day at Ben & Jerry's. I've never been to free cone day because I've just never cared that much about ice cream. But I've thought about it every year just because it's free. And the Starbuck's thing... I don't even like the pastries at Starbuck's, but I seriously considered that as well! I didn't end up going to either of them, but I hadn't been able to get pastry and ice cream out of my head. So I looked at what fat and calories I had left in my day and looked at what I had in the house: girl scout cookies and some Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I put all the choices into the online food diary from MV Nutrition and made a conscious choice of what sugar I would eat and how much of it. I ended up eith a serving, 1/2 cup, of Ben and Jerry's everything but the... because it has all sorts of stuff in it, particularly Reese's peanut butter cups, my absolute favorite. Half a cup is a lot of ice cream for me. My leg started shaking. Sugar jitters. Tasted good though. That was the first day I actually ate as much fat as I was supposed to (no surprise, huh?).

week 4 post 3, Things are feeling better.

Even though I totally stressed out about getting to my workout late today (after leaving for the gym 20 mins earlier than normal I arrived late. Thank you, Muni.), the workout was really good. Mike has me working a lot on pull ups of all different kinds. they're really hard to do, but they leave me feeling like I'm moving forward. One day I'll be able to do one unassisted!

week 4, 2nd post Not as bad

Today is Thursday. I saw Manuel on Tuesday. We talked about the weekend and he told me that I hadn't screwed up as badly as I thought. He told me that I needed to get some "backup" meat; things like canned tuna to have around the house so that I'm not out of the things I need. That was helpful. We talked about snacks that I can carry so that I'm not starving if I get caught out longer than I expect.

He asked me if I wanted to get weighed even though it had only been a few days. I said sure. He said that I had lost a little over 6 pounds. I said that I wasn't sure that was correct. I remembered having worn a pair of trousers that were much heavier for the first weigh in. He looked at me as if I had lost my mind. I said I thought I may have only lost about 4 pounds, but that was a good start. He said that the scale said 6 and that was what he was going to tell MIke I'd lost. He also told me that I needed to calm down, stop being so stressed about it all.

Later, at home I really freaked out about it all. I had no idea what was going on but I was really upset. Rhonda said I could cry on her shoulder if I wanted and I took her up on it. She had no idea what she was getting herself into with that and neither did I. I just let loose. I cried like someone had died. I couldn't control myself. Rhonda was a bit shocked and again I got the now infamous, "You really need to calm down!"

Wednesday I finally figured out what was happening. When I recognized that I had been crying like someone had died I realized that I actually was grieving. I was mourning for all the years I'd tried to lose weight but couldn't, for all the times I felt humiliated and was yelled at (yes, yelled at for being fat). I was grieving for letting myself down for years and putting my health at such risk.

And I was scared that I would screw it up or just not be able to do it or it wouldn't work for whatever reasons. And I felt like I have all these people counting on me. I have Mike, Billy and Manuel who chose me over however many people to do this, I have Rhonda who wants me to be healthy, I have my mother/sister/brother who want me to get healthy.

I put so much pressure on myself that I had no chance of living up to it.

I hope that this realization makes calming down easier.

week 4 post 1, Total disaster

Today is Monday and this last weekend was the first few days of the new eating plan. It was a total disaster!

I'm supposed to eat 1800 calories a day and I didn't come close to that either day. I was out most of the weekend and didn't expect to be. I didn't bring enough food with me. I ended up so hungry all weekend and didn't do the number of small meals I was supposed to do. I've been told that the balance between Calories In and Out is fairly delicate and that eating less than the 1800 calories per day could really screw up what we're trying to do. I have been stressing all weekend long that I'm screwing this up! Two days in and I'm already screwing this up.

I didn't do much better today. Most of my protein has been from cheese because I haven't been able to cook the chicken that I usually cook to have over the week. So the cheese is bumping up the calories and I can't get close to the number of proteins and carbs and such without going over the calorie limit today. So, again today, I'm doing it wrong.

I don't know what to do. Rhonda, my girlfriend, keeps telling me to calm down. Easier said than done.

week 3 post 2

I met with Manuel again for the metabolic rate test and official weigh-in (261 by his scale) to get my starting weight and numbers. He talked with me about the concepts of calories in and calories out and how much is too much out. That's been a big issue of mine, doing too much exercise and sending my body into so much stress that it holds onto every calorie.

He's asked me to do no more than and average of 400 calories out from exercise per day. So if my workouts with Mike burn about 500 calories and my cardio for that day is about 700, that's 1100 calories/7, that's about 157 calories per day so far.

I felt really guilty because I wasn't able to get to the store yet to buy the stuff for the new breakfasts and snacks, so that hasn't changed yet. I've been eating really healthy stuff, but not what he asked me too. I also wasn't able to get a heart rate monitor to get the accurate calorie count of the workouts with Mike. I was frustrated with myself for not getting to it even though my schedule just couldn't allow it. But I'll get to it tommorrow, my regular shopping day for the week.

So Manuel came up with a preliminary eating plan for me with guesses for how many calorie and their breakdown into carbs, proteins, etc. until I can get the right counts to him.

week 3

Hello! I have been working with Mike this week and loving it! He kicked my butt this week- Funny! I was thinking that the workouts weren't as intense as my old workouts had been and, then, what do ya know? They got harder!

He upped the weights and started with a bunch of push-ups. Push-ups are very hard for me. This week I did them on the floor and on a bar, pull ups on the bar (even harder than push-ups), and planks on the bar. He's shown me some yoga poses that are particularly challenging and I'm excited to see if I can do them at some point.

I had my first meeting with Manuel this week. Really nice guy, too. He gave me a bunch of computer surveys to do before meeting with him. We talked about what my schedule is like and what kind of eating plan I need in order to make things easy for me to follow. We also talked about my workouts with Mike so Manuel could get a sense of how many calories I'm burning.

He asked me to make some small changes before he gives me an eating plan. He changed my breakfast to something much larger than what I'd been having and asked that my snacks all contain protein. I'll have to go shopping.

week 2

This week my trainer Mike was on vacation. He had asked me if I wanted to start before or after he went on vacation. I said before and that I would work out on my own the 2nd week while he was gone. So he set me up with the Diakadi website where you can log in and see what exercises you've been doing with your trainer and they have videos of how to do the exercises. Those we're very helpful to watch to be able put an exercise with a name of an exercise, and yet I still did some of them wrong when I got to the gym. Oh well! I got the gist of them. And by the 2nd day I was doing them properly.

I did 5 days alternating between the 2 different full workouts he set up for me. And I did a ton of work with the roller. I LOVE that thing! It's like getting a deep tissue massage exactly where you need it at your own pace. You can concentrate on the areas you need most and by the end you're completely relaxed. Mike gave me one of those so I could use it at home. When I don't use it now I feel a very noticeable difference. My balance is definitely better when I've used the roller.

I still haven't met with Manuel, but I will next week. I have to admit, I've been eating things that I know I won't be eating for a while when I start with Manuel. I know that he's all about not cutting things completely out of the diet. He wants to create things that people will stick with. But I doubt I'll feel right eating a plate of nachos or a burrito after I start with him.

Today is Monday, February 21, 2010.

I had my assessment and first meeting with Mike! It went really well. Going through several exercises over 90 minutes, he checked my form and noted my strengths and weaknesses. Overall, I was very happy with it.

I found out that my form is a lot better than I thought, and when it's off I recognize fairly quickly and adjust it. That was exciting to hear! Mike showed me how to use the foam roller to massage out the lactic acid in my muscles and that was amazing. I felt so fantastic after that I may well have been floating.

Even though I know in my head that this was a workout, the workouts I have been doing have been so intense and I've been so exhausted after they were done, that this one seems light comparatively. And yet I was sweating and I can feel that my muscles had a workout. I feel really good and I finally understand how a workout can give a person energy. My old workouts made me feel good, but they also exhausted me. These make me feel good and I can finish my day.

I have 2 regular workouts schedule for this week and at the end of the week Mike will have a routine worked up for me. I'll be able to look at it online, with a description of the exercises and some video that will show me how they should be done. That way I can do the exercises by myself if Mike's away, or if I'm at other gyms or wherever.

This workout has helped to soothe some of my anxiety and now I'm really excited and upbeat about everything to come!

Welcome to KelleyCommitToFit !

Welcome to my blog!

Let me tell you a bit about what I'm doing. My Name is Kelley Clements and I won the Diakadi Body Commit to Fit challenge for 2010. So for a year I have the privilege of working with Mike Clausen three times a week for exercise and Manuel Villacorta for nutritional guidance.

I saw the ad for the contest and submitted the 3 min video they required. I was called for an interview and asked questions about my exercise routine, support circle, habits, background, and such. Then I got a second callback and was asked if I would be willing to blog the year if I won. Of course, I said yes. So here I am!

So, a bit about me. I'm 37 years old. I currently weigh 255 pounds and am 5'2". I have been fat for as long as I can remember. I've been through Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Overeaters Anonymous, and any number of diets. I have consistently exercised at different gyms since 2006. Each week for the last year I've been doing 25-50 miles of cardio and weight training but only maintaining my weight or getting larger. As it turns out, Billy told me that the amount of work I was doing was stressing my body to the point that it felt the need to reserve calories. So, essentially, I was exercising myself fat.

Here are some of my challenges as I see them. I am addicted to refined sugar. I love cake, cupcakes, cookies, any number of baked goods. I had ovarian and uterine cancer (most likely a result of my weight) which required a full hysterectomy to cure. That put me immediately into full-on menopause, which slows weight loss. I have asthma and my inhaler is a steroid, which makes a person hungrier. And because I have been so large for so long I wonder if I actually can lose all this weight and keep it off. I'm scared of this unknown, thin person I could become.

Here's some of what I'm looking forward to: This unknown, thin person I could become. The possibility of being healthy. The possibility of liking a photo taken of me. Being able to find nice clothes with interesting cuts and fabrics instead of the fat-people tents which seem to be all that's available to people my size. Maybe being able to take a double dutch class.

So tonight, before my first meeting with Mike, these are the things on my mind. I don't know how often I'll update this right now. I'm thinking maybe once a week. But maybe a little more if there's something I feel like I need to say or something happens I think I need to get of my chest. But maybe sometimes a little less if my life gets too crazy. I'm hoping that this blog may help someone who's in the same place as me, with whatever challenge in their life.

So, here we go!