Sorry it's been so long. weeks 7 & 8

hello! sorry I haven't posted in a couple weeks. Here's what's been going on since the last one.

I had another weigh-in with Manuel and have lost a total of 13.8 pounds, 12.8 of which have been pure fat. That's a lot of fat. He showed me a visual representation of that and it looked pretty gross. I was happy about it but was also a little sad that I hadn't lost more than that. I thought because of the way my clothes were fitting that I had lost more. I have to remember to not be so tied to numbers. The numbers aren't necessarily something that I will agree with or understand why they aren't what I wanted them to be. So if I can just let the numbers go I will be happier about it all.

I also talked with Manuel about the final numbers, where I want to be at the end. I had a little emotional thing there too, when he said that the 185 we had talked about before was where he thought I would end up. I never wanted to end at 185. I thought that was way too high. I thought I would end up at 130. He said I have too much muscle to end up there in a year. If I am at 22% body fat I will be at 165, again way higher than I had thought. Again I was tied to a number. I've been so set on getting my weight down to 130 (because that's where the national stats say someone of my height should be, somewhere between 125 and 140 I believe) that I have wanted to be there for years. I had no idea I had that much muscle on me. He said we could lose muscle eventually if I believe I have more than I want, but that we shouldn't lose it now of course because it helps burn fat.

I don't know if I want to lose the muscle. I've never wanted to be so thin that I looked like I could blow away in a light wind like some girls look. I want to be healthy. Health is my main goal. I had to remind myself that I don't even know what I'll look like at 165. I could really like that look. So I told myself to stop freaking out and wait till I get there to see what I actually think. That helped.

I have been incredibly stressed with payment for the classes I'm taking. I've been trying to upgrade my skills to move back into the field that I actually wanted to be in all along, film and photography. That's where my education lies. I just haven't been able to get the jobs I want. So here I am now, back in school, and my classes are supposed to be covered by the Workforce Investment Act. But trying to get the money from them has been a nightmare. And over the last 2 weeks, especially so. I have been going round and round with them about a check they were supposed to have already sent in to cover 2 classes, but it has never arrived and I've been scrambling trying to get them the information they've lost, contact the people that need to be contacted at the school to try and sit in the classes anyway till they're paid for, find who might be able to trace the check if it indeed did make it here (which I suspect it didn't), etc. I've been so stressed and so tired. I've had to be very conscious of not stress eating and not splurging on the things I would normally turn to in emotional eating (i.e. doughnuts, chocolate, cookies, etc).

I realized, though, that I started getting a little sloppy last week with my food. I started thinking, "Am I done yet?" I just wanted to be done with something, because I was too stressed, too overloaded with constantly trying to keep up with everything right now that I wanted to be done with anything, just get something off the plate. And so I got sloppy with the thing that was easiest to be sloppy with and would give me at least temporary instant gratification, food. I wasn't as concerned with amounts of things for the last few days. I didn't go crazy, thank God. I would have felt guilty if I had. But I wasn't as good as I had been. I ate more fat, didn't eat as much protein or fruits as I should have. But I stayed within my calories and I am not too far off as far as the weekly targets go for protein, fats and carbs.

But I started thinking about it yesterday morning, why was I being so sloppy? And how could I get myself out of it? I realized that this was just like any relationship, any commitment. You can't just say, "I'm going to do something!" one time and expect to feel that commitment for the rest of your life. Things that you care about have to be tended to continuously. And something like your health is a constant, daily commitment. So I recommitted yesterday morning. I told myself that I am still in this, and in it for the long haul. And I had a good day! I ate what I was supposed to eat. I found staying away from the pop-tarts in the vending machine easier, not that I didn't think about them. And the snickers bars. But I made the right choices. And I was happier for it.

And today is going well. I walked right past Beard Pappas, the eclair place (they're soooo good), and all the doughnut places on the way to school. And I'm having the food I need to eat, and that I enjoy.

And my exercise has been going well. I have been working with Mike 3 times a week. Next week he'll be doing a boot camp in Mexico. He and Billy will be doing a working vacation. So I will have next week's workouts on my own using the computer system to remind me of what exercises I'm supposed to do and what they look like, etc. Going to my own gym will save me a lot of time next week and I have to say, I'm excited about that.

I have been doing more walking to school over the last couple weeks, rather than going in to the gym to do just a cardio workout. I just haven't had the time and if I'm still burning the calories I need to burn I wasn't going to make myself crazy trying to fit in doing it at the gym if I didn't have. But I think that I will be able to get back to the more intense cardio on the machines next week. I do like the intensity of working on the machines, and the control of the workout. But I can't always get there and I still need to do something. So walking to the school is a good enough substitute.

But Mike is still kicking my butt. His workouts are pretty intense. I enjoy them, though. He targets muscles that I don't realize are being targeted till later in the day. He's sneaky like that. I'm definitely getting a workout and my clothes are definitely fitting differently, better. People are starting to notice that I'm losing weight. I'm not the only one that sees the difference. And that's nice.

Also! I just found out that Manuel is taking his nutrition business national. Congratulations to him! His system, which he's calling 'Nutrition for You!' will be available to anyone over the computer and by phone. That's really exciting. I know a lot of people who I hope will take advantage of this. I'd love to see them healthier.

Till next time- Bye!

week 6 post 1, 12 pounds down!

Hello All!

Thanks so much for reading! I appreciate everyone's encouragement.

This week had more ups and downs. I started off just trying to eat what I was supposed to eat. But there were 2 things I couldn't stop thinking about: 1. Cakes 2. Did I lose any weight?

I worked out with Mike 3 times and those went well, except for Thursday when I tried to do my cardio before I met with Mike. Trying that made the workout soooo much harder. Bad choice. When I was eating several thousand calories a fay that wasn't an issue. I always had extra energy then.

When I met with Manuel I found out I had lost a total of 12 lbs. That was exciting!

When I went home and told Rhonda, though, I started getting nervous. I wondered f I would be able to keep this up. What if that was all I lost? It wasn't till the next day that I started thinking about it and asked myself, "Has it been very hard so far? No, it hasn't. I just need to take it slowly and concentrate on today.