Today I had another pulmonology appointment. I have asthma, have had it since I was a kid. And on top of that, I was so heavy that my overnight oxygen levels were dipping to 80% quite a bit. So I was put on overnight oxygen over a year ago.
When I saw the dr last time he ordered an oximetry test to see how my percentage was since I had lost 40 some odd pounds. I was significantly improved but was still down in the 80's for about 3 minutes a night total so he wanted to wait to pull me off oxygen till I had another test after losing 50 lbs. So now that I've lost 61 I'll have another test and we'll see how I do. He was super excited to see how much I'd lost.
Apparently when you have low blood oxygen it raises your blood pressure in your lungs, thickens part of the heart muscle, and of course is bad for your body in general to just not be getting the oxygen it needs. So here's hoping that I'm past the point of needing it.
It's time for another Commit to Fit winner to be chosen! My time is almost up. So Billy Polson (one of the owners of Diakadi Body, the gym that hosts the winner, and he will also be the trainer for the winner) and I are going to be on a show called 10%, on Comcast/Xfinity this Friday. It will be broadcast January 31st. We'll be talking about Commit to Fit and how it's worked for myself and Kevin. The date for entering the contest has been extended to February 4th now to accomodate the show airing on the 31st.
So if you know someone that would love to win this, tell them to ENTER NOW! It's an amazing prize. And, trite as it may sound, I was thinking the other day that my parents gave me life, my doctors saved my life, and these guys who gave me Commit to Fit changed my life. I really wish that everyone could have what I've been given. So ENTER, ENTER, ENTER!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Gained 4 pounds
I waited a week and then weighed myself. I gained 4 pounds over the holidays. Mike, my trainer, could see it when I saw him the first time back. He looked a bit shocked when he saw me.
I can tell you that I felt very differently about this weight gain than others in the past. This time it felt like something that was kind of foreign, and definitely temporary.
I got on track that week and by the time I saw Manuel on Friday I had lost 3 of the 4 pounds. It came off very easily.
But the weeks after have been SO INCREDIBLY HARD! For whatever reason, I have had insane cravings for everything I shouldn't be eating. I've wanted donuts, chocolate, cake, pancakes, peanut butter cups, etc, etc, etc. The cravings have been overwhelming, to the point of going out of my way to seek out the things I'm craving. I can't remember ever feeling cravings this strong.
I don't know whether I want them because something tripped this off when I went home and ate all the things I shouldn't have eaten, or if this has to do with the fact that I'm around the 200lb mark, or what. I talked about all this with my therapist and with Manuel, my dietitian. My therapist said that If you have an intolerance for something, like I seem to have with wheat and nuts, when you eat those items you do crave them in an addict sort of way. There is a real chemical reaction that occurs and you feel you need to eat those things. When I spoke with Manuel we talked about any number of reasons why I may have the cravings. Maybe it's chemical, maybe it's mental, maybe it's a mixture. But at the end of the conversation he said something great- that a lot of times people get so caught up in why they're doing things that they never make it to not doing the thing. And that's where I'm at. I just need to stop eating them. It may be difficult, but if I don't stop now, then I'll gain more weight back and still have to find a way to stop. A little 'Come to Jesus' talk, as we would call it in Texas.
I did lose the other pound, by the way. I'm back where I was before leaving on the trip. And the last few days have been really on target I'm happy to say.
I told myself I just want to see 190. I feel like if I can make it to 190 then I'll really be past that mystical 200 that seems to mire me down so often and will be mentally out of the woods. So that's my mini-goal. 190. I feel back on track, happily so. Ready to get classes started again so that I can get to work.
I can tell you that I felt very differently about this weight gain than others in the past. This time it felt like something that was kind of foreign, and definitely temporary.
I got on track that week and by the time I saw Manuel on Friday I had lost 3 of the 4 pounds. It came off very easily.
But the weeks after have been SO INCREDIBLY HARD! For whatever reason, I have had insane cravings for everything I shouldn't be eating. I've wanted donuts, chocolate, cake, pancakes, peanut butter cups, etc, etc, etc. The cravings have been overwhelming, to the point of going out of my way to seek out the things I'm craving. I can't remember ever feeling cravings this strong.
I don't know whether I want them because something tripped this off when I went home and ate all the things I shouldn't have eaten, or if this has to do with the fact that I'm around the 200lb mark, or what. I talked about all this with my therapist and with Manuel, my dietitian. My therapist said that If you have an intolerance for something, like I seem to have with wheat and nuts, when you eat those items you do crave them in an addict sort of way. There is a real chemical reaction that occurs and you feel you need to eat those things. When I spoke with Manuel we talked about any number of reasons why I may have the cravings. Maybe it's chemical, maybe it's mental, maybe it's a mixture. But at the end of the conversation he said something great- that a lot of times people get so caught up in why they're doing things that they never make it to not doing the thing. And that's where I'm at. I just need to stop eating them. It may be difficult, but if I don't stop now, then I'll gain more weight back and still have to find a way to stop. A little 'Come to Jesus' talk, as we would call it in Texas.
I did lose the other pound, by the way. I'm back where I was before leaving on the trip. And the last few days have been really on target I'm happy to say.
I told myself I just want to see 190. I feel like if I can make it to 190 then I'll really be past that mystical 200 that seems to mire me down so often and will be mentally out of the woods. So that's my mini-goal. 190. I feel back on track, happily so. Ready to get classes started again so that I can get to work.
Wow! A lot longer than I thought since I posted!
Hi everyone!
I'm so sorry it's been this long since I posted!
So- the holidays have come and gone. I wanted to be under 200 when I wen home to Texas for the holidays and I got there! Yay! I just wanted to have made it through that rough spot. For whatever reason I seem to get stuck there every time. I get to 200 and flounder around for a bit and then go back up. So getting past it was really important to me. I got to 198. Yay!
So then I went home. I made a 'plan' of how to handle being out of the norm for myself. I decided that I would buy the food I wanted to eat, cook it to have in the fridge and not really get out of my norm. HA! What an overly simplistic, underdeveloped plan.
What I always forget, and maybe never noticed till I changed my habits, is how my family goes and goes till we drop. One errand is never really one errand, it's 2 or 5 or 10. Things just keep going till you can't go anymore. And then you stop and eat something. And I got into that mindset for the first few days. I was given the opportunity to take care of my newborn nephew for a couple days and jumped at the chance; was thrilled to do it! But that meant I couldn't cook my food till my 3rd day there. Kinda hard to keep to the plan when you throw yourself off the plan the first day!
Plus, my family doesn't have the same chocolate addiction as me. I always forget they have a shelf full of chocolate candies. They can take or leave it anytime. Not me! I want to eat it all! And right now, thank you very much. So I helped myself to much more than I should have everyday. Not good.
Then there were the pecan pies, brownie cake, hazlenut cookies, pizzelles, pumpkin pie and fudge. YUM! And pizzelles are especially good when you have them with a piece of chocolate, in case you're interested. Again, downfall.
My family is especially supportive and they asked me before I got there if there was anything they could do to make the holidays work for me. The problem was that I didn't really know what I would need. I didn't realize until this trip how different my life is set up now. It was truly a shock to me that I am on such a different type of schedule than I used to be. Now I know that I need to have a day when I get there to get myself situated and get my food set up, and I need to tell them that I need to eat at certain intervals. I also just need to carry food with me when I go out with them to run errands or whatever we're doing. My plan is far more developed now than it was before. They were kind enough to ask if they should not cook the cookies they usually make to give to friends and family and have available at parties. I told them no, make them. And I would still tell them the same. The cookies are traditional and nobody makes them as well as my sister. I know people would be severely disappointed to not have them. I need to come up with a way to handle myself around them, something to keep me busy (I thought that, when we went to one of our favorite Tex-Mex restaurants, holding my nephew was a fantastic way to keep myself from eating the chips).
So, after all was said and done I decided not to weigh myself just yet. I was going to wait a week. But I can tell you that with all I ate, I had more hot flashes than normal and they were more intense, my sleep was off, I got acne, and had some anxiety issues. Gotta love sugar and wheat!
I'm so sorry it's been this long since I posted!
So- the holidays have come and gone. I wanted to be under 200 when I wen home to Texas for the holidays and I got there! Yay! I just wanted to have made it through that rough spot. For whatever reason I seem to get stuck there every time. I get to 200 and flounder around for a bit and then go back up. So getting past it was really important to me. I got to 198. Yay!
So then I went home. I made a 'plan' of how to handle being out of the norm for myself. I decided that I would buy the food I wanted to eat, cook it to have in the fridge and not really get out of my norm. HA! What an overly simplistic, underdeveloped plan.
What I always forget, and maybe never noticed till I changed my habits, is how my family goes and goes till we drop. One errand is never really one errand, it's 2 or 5 or 10. Things just keep going till you can't go anymore. And then you stop and eat something. And I got into that mindset for the first few days. I was given the opportunity to take care of my newborn nephew for a couple days and jumped at the chance; was thrilled to do it! But that meant I couldn't cook my food till my 3rd day there. Kinda hard to keep to the plan when you throw yourself off the plan the first day!
Plus, my family doesn't have the same chocolate addiction as me. I always forget they have a shelf full of chocolate candies. They can take or leave it anytime. Not me! I want to eat it all! And right now, thank you very much. So I helped myself to much more than I should have everyday. Not good.
Then there were the pecan pies, brownie cake, hazlenut cookies, pizzelles, pumpkin pie and fudge. YUM! And pizzelles are especially good when you have them with a piece of chocolate, in case you're interested. Again, downfall.
My family is especially supportive and they asked me before I got there if there was anything they could do to make the holidays work for me. The problem was that I didn't really know what I would need. I didn't realize until this trip how different my life is set up now. It was truly a shock to me that I am on such a different type of schedule than I used to be. Now I know that I need to have a day when I get there to get myself situated and get my food set up, and I need to tell them that I need to eat at certain intervals. I also just need to carry food with me when I go out with them to run errands or whatever we're doing. My plan is far more developed now than it was before. They were kind enough to ask if they should not cook the cookies they usually make to give to friends and family and have available at parties. I told them no, make them. And I would still tell them the same. The cookies are traditional and nobody makes them as well as my sister. I know people would be severely disappointed to not have them. I need to come up with a way to handle myself around them, something to keep me busy (I thought that, when we went to one of our favorite Tex-Mex restaurants, holding my nephew was a fantastic way to keep myself from eating the chips).
So, after all was said and done I decided not to weigh myself just yet. I was going to wait a week. But I can tell you that with all I ate, I had more hot flashes than normal and they were more intense, my sleep was off, I got acne, and had some anxiety issues. Gotta love sugar and wheat!
Friday, December 3, 2010
6.5 pounds :) 60 pounds total :)
So today I broke a rule of mine and I weighed myself on my scale at home. It's not the first time I've broken that rule, but I try to stick to it whenever possible. But this morning I got on the scale before breakfast and au naturale and I had lost 6.5 pounds! So now I am down 60 pounds :) I can't tell you how wonderful that was to see. So I am definitely through the plateau.
All along I have had a worry about reaching the 200lb mark. In the past I have reached that weight and either plateaued and not been able to get past it or gotten past and then ballooned right back up. In the last couple weeks I've lost that fear. I've found that I'm understanding more of what I need to do and that knowledge has given me more confidence. This time I think I can get through it.
I had the goal of getting under 200 before going home over Christmas and I need to loose over 2pounds now to achieve that. Wish me luck!
I hope you're well-
All along I have had a worry about reaching the 200lb mark. In the past I have reached that weight and either plateaued and not been able to get past it or gotten past and then ballooned right back up. In the last couple weeks I've lost that fear. I've found that I'm understanding more of what I need to do and that knowledge has given me more confidence. This time I think I can get through it.
I had the goal of getting under 200 before going home over Christmas and I need to loose over 2pounds now to achieve that. Wish me luck!
I hope you're well-
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
ok, yes, probably wheat and nuts. maybe dairy.
So I've been really careful for the last few weeks. I took wheat out first. That was SO hard. I was definitely craving everything wheat that I could get my hands on. But I have to say, within a couple days the dark circles under my eyes were mostly gone. I also noticed that I felt calmer. I wasn't getting that anxious clench in my stomach that I get a lot.
But I was definitely trying to eat anything that I could, looking for something that would give me that wheat taste/flavor/whatever. Never found it.
After a couple weeks that need went away. But I still had some darkness around my eyes. So Mike told me to try taking out dairy. I took it out and I don't think that made a difference. I didn't notice any change in the eyes, the way I felt, anything.
I bought some beautiful hickory smoked almonds at the farmer's market- just so yummy- and I had those one day for my fats. 6 servings. The next morning when I woke up my eyes were all dark again. I was pretty angry about that. I love nuts as much as I love wheat, and here I seem to have an intolerance for that as well.
So I've taken out nuts and wheat and sometimes dairy. I'm eating dairy about every 2-3 days just because I'm not sure if I have an intolerance for it. I think I need to call my doctor and see if I can get tested for food allergies. But those tests don't always give accutrate results. So, who knows? Right now I'm judging by my eyes.
Anyways. I had a weigh in a couple weeks ago and It didn't go well. I hadn't seen Manuel in a month and I had been SO careful. I was really on point for what I was eating and I was on the mark with my exercise. I had really started noticing a lot of changes in my body shape and the way my clothes fit and then I stepped on the scale. In one month I had only lost 2.5 pounds. I was not happy.
Here I had been really, really good and that was the result. I felt like it had been a wasted month. I know in my head it wasn't wasted, but that's how it felt. I have Manuel and Mike for a very short time. A year seems like a long time, but it's really not. Manuel said that having been as on point as I was meant we could be certain that I was on a plateau. So he told me we'd pull back from 1600 to 1400 calories. He was going to wait till after Thanksgiving so I would have some flexibility on the holiday. I decided I didn't need the flexibility because I had cut out all the stuff that I would normally eat that would be the big calorie hits for me- No stuffing, no pie, no rolls- all have wheat. So I pulled myself back to 1400 Thanksgiving week. Tomorrow I have a weigh in. Let's see what happens.
Unfortunately this week I haven't been able to exercise at all this week because I've been really sick. I had a fever yesterday, I've been taking Mucinex to get my lungs clear, I've been exhausted. Today was the first day I stepped out of my apartment for any time at all. But walking back up the stairs- 2 1/2 flights- was exhausting. I've been really careful about my eating because of that.
I hope this weigh in is better. I don't see how it couldn't be better.
I'm worried about December's eating in some ways. There are so many Chanukah parties coming up (I missed one tnite because of this cold and I'm fine with that) and my birthday is Saturday and people want to take me out for my birthday.And when I go home to Texas there will be all sorts of possibilities for breaking my good habits. I have to figure out how to deal with all these things. I noticed that Manuel has posted some things about holiday party survival so I'll read through those.
So, to sum up, I've taken a lot of stuff out of my diet and It's affected the structure of my diet quite a bit. I definitely feel calmer than before and I'm totally fine now with the changes. It took some getting used to, but in the end I'm not as upset with it as I was when I thought about making the changes. There are a lot of challenges coming up and I need to find some tools to help me through them, but in the end I know it'll be fine. If I feel like things are getting out of control I can actually chose to opt out of all these things and be okay with that as well. I can totally chose not to eat any of it. But I'd like to find a way to have some of it if I can.
I hope you all are well.
But I was definitely trying to eat anything that I could, looking for something that would give me that wheat taste/flavor/whatever. Never found it.
After a couple weeks that need went away. But I still had some darkness around my eyes. So Mike told me to try taking out dairy. I took it out and I don't think that made a difference. I didn't notice any change in the eyes, the way I felt, anything.
I bought some beautiful hickory smoked almonds at the farmer's market- just so yummy- and I had those one day for my fats. 6 servings. The next morning when I woke up my eyes were all dark again. I was pretty angry about that. I love nuts as much as I love wheat, and here I seem to have an intolerance for that as well.
So I've taken out nuts and wheat and sometimes dairy. I'm eating dairy about every 2-3 days just because I'm not sure if I have an intolerance for it. I think I need to call my doctor and see if I can get tested for food allergies. But those tests don't always give accutrate results. So, who knows? Right now I'm judging by my eyes.
Anyways. I had a weigh in a couple weeks ago and It didn't go well. I hadn't seen Manuel in a month and I had been SO careful. I was really on point for what I was eating and I was on the mark with my exercise. I had really started noticing a lot of changes in my body shape and the way my clothes fit and then I stepped on the scale. In one month I had only lost 2.5 pounds. I was not happy.
Here I had been really, really good and that was the result. I felt like it had been a wasted month. I know in my head it wasn't wasted, but that's how it felt. I have Manuel and Mike for a very short time. A year seems like a long time, but it's really not. Manuel said that having been as on point as I was meant we could be certain that I was on a plateau. So he told me we'd pull back from 1600 to 1400 calories. He was going to wait till after Thanksgiving so I would have some flexibility on the holiday. I decided I didn't need the flexibility because I had cut out all the stuff that I would normally eat that would be the big calorie hits for me- No stuffing, no pie, no rolls- all have wheat. So I pulled myself back to 1400 Thanksgiving week. Tomorrow I have a weigh in. Let's see what happens.
Unfortunately this week I haven't been able to exercise at all this week because I've been really sick. I had a fever yesterday, I've been taking Mucinex to get my lungs clear, I've been exhausted. Today was the first day I stepped out of my apartment for any time at all. But walking back up the stairs- 2 1/2 flights- was exhausting. I've been really careful about my eating because of that.
I hope this weigh in is better. I don't see how it couldn't be better.
I'm worried about December's eating in some ways. There are so many Chanukah parties coming up (I missed one tnite because of this cold and I'm fine with that) and my birthday is Saturday and people want to take me out for my birthday.And when I go home to Texas there will be all sorts of possibilities for breaking my good habits. I have to figure out how to deal with all these things. I noticed that Manuel has posted some things about holiday party survival so I'll read through those.
So, to sum up, I've taken a lot of stuff out of my diet and It's affected the structure of my diet quite a bit. I definitely feel calmer than before and I'm totally fine now with the changes. It took some getting used to, but in the end I'm not as upset with it as I was when I thought about making the changes. There are a lot of challenges coming up and I need to find some tools to help me through them, but in the end I know it'll be fine. If I feel like things are getting out of control I can actually chose to opt out of all these things and be okay with that as well. I can totally chose not to eat any of it. But I'd like to find a way to have some of it if I can.
I hope you all are well.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
It's been a while...
The last few weeks have been SO busy. I've had classes 4 days a week and work in the lab 3 days a week. I feel like I've hardly had time to breathe. Our apartment is a mess, I haven't had a hot meal in weeks. I have been eating the basics- turkey, bell peppers, tomatoes, avocado, crackers, fruit. My exercise has been the basics as well- biking back and forth around town, workouts with Mike. I've been running on autopilot. I'm down to 209.4 pounds, which puts me at 52.2 pounds down.
My Saturday and Wednesday classes are over now and my Tuesday class ends next week. So I'm finally going to be back to a regular schedule. I can finally get some hot meals again. And rest some.
I finally tried on some clothes and got really upset because with all this weight loss I'm only down 1 waist size in pants and 1 size in shirts (and by some makers, not even 1 size). Apparently I am losing most slowly from my waist. I feel a bit like a Tim Burton character- little tiny legs, big belly. My body shape has definitely changed and I am definitely losing weight. No question about that. But the way I'm losing it is so disproportionate that I have no need to buy new clothes yet. I'm certainly not going to buy clothes for each waist size all the way down.
I think this is why so many people I know have not really mentioned that I'm smaller because I'm still in the same clothes. They can't really see that I've lost that much. In that way it's a bit disheartening.
So my therapist mentioned that maybe I have a wheat allergy. She said that food allergies can cause all sorts of things from anxiety to mood swings to depression to bloating and so on. She though maybe I'm bloating around the midsection and that's why I'm only one size down. I looked up information on it online. I certainly don't have any serious allergy to wheat because that would be Celiac's disease, which is as dangerous as peanut allergies, lethal. But apparently there is a wheat intolerance, which I may have. And maybe I have some milder version of an allergy, or I may be allergic to other foods.
I thought about it and my mother has many food allergies. I am tired all the time, no matter what. I'm just always tired. I have the dark circles around my eyes that come from allergies. I had always thought it was because I'm allergic to pet dander and dust, but I have no pets anymore and our place is not so dusty that I sneeze from dust anymore. My asthma doesn't react the way the doctors tell me asthma happens. A lot of the time I feel it in my throat, not my lungs. Maybe I'm allergic to something I eat.
So I talked with Manuel about it and he said if I want to try 6 weeks gluten free (6 weeks is the amount of time a body needs to clear something out of the system) I could do that and see what happens. He gave me a list of things to avoid. He said that anytime someone eats something so consistently (like everyday) for years they can gain an intolerance to it and their system then doesn't want it anymore. I eat wheat several times a day every day. I can't think of a day before I made this decision where I didn't eat wheat. I just can't think of a single one. And I am a bread addict. I love bread. Especially yeasty, dense, hot bread with huge gobs of butter on it. I could eat that quite happily every day. I have now replaced the bread and crackers with sweet potatoes, lentils, rice crackers, quinoa. We'll see how it goes.
But I can tell you that in the few days that I've been doing this (5 days so far) the dark circles under my eyes have lightened and I am not nearly anywhere close to as anxious about anything. I just haven't had the same physical reaction to stress. That's an interesting surprise to me.
Mike, my trainer, is very excited about the idea of going non-wheat and non-dairy. He says that about 80% of the white population has a gluten intolerance and he has been gluten and dairy free for a while, but every once in a while has a bread product and doesn't feel too well afterward. He would also prefer that I go off any processed foods. At the moment I don't see myself ever completely getting all wheat out of my diet. I really love donuts, bread and cakes, and crackers and cereal. I can find cereals without gluten for sure. bread is harder to find. And I wouldn't trust a gluten free donut.
So that's where I stand right now. I've passed the 50pd mark. I'm trying to see if I have an allergy. I'm hoping that, if I do, I will lose some waist sizes to bloating, but I'm not counting on it. If I don't lose some to bloating, we'll have to look at if there is some other thing I'm doing that's keeping my waist so close to its original size or if this is just how I lose weight right now.
I hope you all are well.
My Saturday and Wednesday classes are over now and my Tuesday class ends next week. So I'm finally going to be back to a regular schedule. I can finally get some hot meals again. And rest some.
I finally tried on some clothes and got really upset because with all this weight loss I'm only down 1 waist size in pants and 1 size in shirts (and by some makers, not even 1 size). Apparently I am losing most slowly from my waist. I feel a bit like a Tim Burton character- little tiny legs, big belly. My body shape has definitely changed and I am definitely losing weight. No question about that. But the way I'm losing it is so disproportionate that I have no need to buy new clothes yet. I'm certainly not going to buy clothes for each waist size all the way down.
I think this is why so many people I know have not really mentioned that I'm smaller because I'm still in the same clothes. They can't really see that I've lost that much. In that way it's a bit disheartening.
So my therapist mentioned that maybe I have a wheat allergy. She said that food allergies can cause all sorts of things from anxiety to mood swings to depression to bloating and so on. She though maybe I'm bloating around the midsection and that's why I'm only one size down. I looked up information on it online. I certainly don't have any serious allergy to wheat because that would be Celiac's disease, which is as dangerous as peanut allergies, lethal. But apparently there is a wheat intolerance, which I may have. And maybe I have some milder version of an allergy, or I may be allergic to other foods.
I thought about it and my mother has many food allergies. I am tired all the time, no matter what. I'm just always tired. I have the dark circles around my eyes that come from allergies. I had always thought it was because I'm allergic to pet dander and dust, but I have no pets anymore and our place is not so dusty that I sneeze from dust anymore. My asthma doesn't react the way the doctors tell me asthma happens. A lot of the time I feel it in my throat, not my lungs. Maybe I'm allergic to something I eat.
So I talked with Manuel about it and he said if I want to try 6 weeks gluten free (6 weeks is the amount of time a body needs to clear something out of the system) I could do that and see what happens. He gave me a list of things to avoid. He said that anytime someone eats something so consistently (like everyday) for years they can gain an intolerance to it and their system then doesn't want it anymore. I eat wheat several times a day every day. I can't think of a day before I made this decision where I didn't eat wheat. I just can't think of a single one. And I am a bread addict. I love bread. Especially yeasty, dense, hot bread with huge gobs of butter on it. I could eat that quite happily every day. I have now replaced the bread and crackers with sweet potatoes, lentils, rice crackers, quinoa. We'll see how it goes.
But I can tell you that in the few days that I've been doing this (5 days so far) the dark circles under my eyes have lightened and I am not nearly anywhere close to as anxious about anything. I just haven't had the same physical reaction to stress. That's an interesting surprise to me.
Mike, my trainer, is very excited about the idea of going non-wheat and non-dairy. He says that about 80% of the white population has a gluten intolerance and he has been gluten and dairy free for a while, but every once in a while has a bread product and doesn't feel too well afterward. He would also prefer that I go off any processed foods. At the moment I don't see myself ever completely getting all wheat out of my diet. I really love donuts, bread and cakes, and crackers and cereal. I can find cereals without gluten for sure. bread is harder to find. And I wouldn't trust a gluten free donut.
So that's where I stand right now. I've passed the 50pd mark. I'm trying to see if I have an allergy. I'm hoping that, if I do, I will lose some waist sizes to bloating, but I'm not counting on it. If I don't lose some to bloating, we'll have to look at if there is some other thing I'm doing that's keeping my waist so close to its original size or if this is just how I lose weight right now.
I hope you all are well.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
realizations
Hi Everone!
So I went home to see my brother's graduation (yay, Jason!) and while I was there I wanted to look for some photos I promised a friend I would post. I found out some stuff I hadn't remembered.
For as long as I can remember I have thought of myself as fat. I remember being told I was a heavy baby because I was 8 or 10 pounds when I was born. I remember being put on weight watchers as a child. I was the youngest one in the meetings, the only child. I remember my grandmother looking at me when I was a child and telling an aunt that she could tell I had lost some weight because you could, "see it in the neck. It looks smaller."
I've always thought of myself as having been fat my entire life. But when I was looking through these photos of me as a child I realized I wasn't always fat. I saw lots of photos of me and could see my collarbones. I could see my legs were thin and my neck was thin. I wasn't always fat.
And it made me realize that I could get back to being thin. That I was capable of actually being thin because I had been thin before. Which made me realize that I hadn't actually thought I was capable of doing this. I was trying as hard as I could but I would eventually fail, as I always did, because I can't lose it. How can I lose it if I'm a fat person? I have always said to myself, "Don't waste their time! Don't waste their time! You have to do as much as you can as fast as you can so you're not wasting their time!" Well, why would I be wasting their time unless they chose someone who couldn't do it?
It makes sense that I would initially think I couldn't actually lose the weight. Having tried and failed as many times as I have, how could that not be in the back of my mind? But I had no idea how deep it went. And no idea that it was really there until I saw those photos. It was a revelation to me.
Since then I have felt a calm I never felt before. I really, truly believe this will happen for me. I truly believe that I can actually reach my goal now.
I hope you're well!
Kelley
So I went home to see my brother's graduation (yay, Jason!) and while I was there I wanted to look for some photos I promised a friend I would post. I found out some stuff I hadn't remembered.
For as long as I can remember I have thought of myself as fat. I remember being told I was a heavy baby because I was 8 or 10 pounds when I was born. I remember being put on weight watchers as a child. I was the youngest one in the meetings, the only child. I remember my grandmother looking at me when I was a child and telling an aunt that she could tell I had lost some weight because you could, "see it in the neck. It looks smaller."
I've always thought of myself as having been fat my entire life. But when I was looking through these photos of me as a child I realized I wasn't always fat. I saw lots of photos of me and could see my collarbones. I could see my legs were thin and my neck was thin. I wasn't always fat.
And it made me realize that I could get back to being thin. That I was capable of actually being thin because I had been thin before. Which made me realize that I hadn't actually thought I was capable of doing this. I was trying as hard as I could but I would eventually fail, as I always did, because I can't lose it. How can I lose it if I'm a fat person? I have always said to myself, "Don't waste their time! Don't waste their time! You have to do as much as you can as fast as you can so you're not wasting their time!" Well, why would I be wasting their time unless they chose someone who couldn't do it?
It makes sense that I would initially think I couldn't actually lose the weight. Having tried and failed as many times as I have, how could that not be in the back of my mind? But I had no idea how deep it went. And no idea that it was really there until I saw those photos. It was a revelation to me.
Since then I have felt a calm I never felt before. I really, truly believe this will happen for me. I truly believe that I can actually reach my goal now.
I hope you're well!
Kelley
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