lost another 2 Lbs! 19.6 pounds total so far.

So I met with Manuel today and I have lost another 2 pounds. That makes a total of 19.6 pounds down. Since things seem to be slowing down a bit he's reduced my calories to 1600 from 1800. He told me that if I need to eat a few more calories to do it, since I'm still losing at 1800. But to try to make it protein, like another ounce of chicken or whatever.

I told all this to Mike and he's going to talk to Manuel about whether he should increase my exercise. I hope not! I'm still getting exhausted with what he's got me doing right now and to try and do it on fewer calories has me a bit worried. I'm sure I would get used to it, but I kinda want a week or so to get used to dealing with just 1600 calories before I try to add in more exercise.

I asked Manuel some questions today. I had noticed that in all my computer work at the school my eyes had been getting tired at the beginning of the semester. But that once I increased the number of orange foods I'd been eating, like carrots and yams, the tiredness went away. I wanted to know other good foods for the eyes. He pointed me to his new website, www.nutritionforyou.com and it has nutrition blogs that answer all sorts of questions like that. I read a few and they were very helpful to me. Maybe they will be for you as well.

I also asked him about a day this week that I had exercised more than expected. I took a longer walk than I thought I was taing and ended up burning over 1000 calories that day. As I had understood it before he said that if I went over the 900 calories for the day in exercise that I was putting myself in too much stress and to borrow calories from another day. I asked him today if I had taken the right amount. He said because the exercise was one that I have a great deal of muscle memory for (walking) that it's not the same as trying a spin class or rock climbing or something like that. Those would add a different kind of stress and that's when I should borrow calories. He was happy with what I'd done anyway.

I also asked him about fish tacos. I really love fish tacos and I'm pretty sure that we'll be headed to the Flying Fish Cafe sometime soon, down in Half Moon Bay. I think we'll be berry picking in Pescadero sometime soon and we always like to stop off at the Flying Fish Cafe for a fish taco. I wondered how to gauge the fried fish. He said to make it a medium fat meat rather than the lean meat it is.

That's where I am today. If you have any questions please post them!

Thanks!

Kelley

Things are moving fast!

This is the end of the semester and things are moving so fast. A lot of work to finish fast.

I meet with Manuel tomorrow for a weigh in. Sometimes I feel really frustrated because I go back and forth between feeling like I'm losing weight and feeling like I'm not. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I can see I look different, thinner, smaller. But I can still wear my same old clothes and they aren't looking over-sized or falling off yet. When will that happen? I'm not looking forward to wasting money on transitional clothes, but oh well.

I'm happy with the food I'm eating. I'm able to create combinations of things and able to eat out at restaurants enough. There are still things I need to figure out how to deal with, like Indian food. How do I deal with restaurants that are cooking things that I have no idea what's in it? I was surprised that the some of my favorite Indian recipes have cream in them. But I love those recipes and I will have to learn how to deal with it.

I'll write more tomorrow after my meeting.

Sorry it's been so long. weeks 7 & 8

hello! sorry I haven't posted in a couple weeks. Here's what's been going on since the last one.

I had another weigh-in with Manuel and have lost a total of 13.8 pounds, 12.8 of which have been pure fat. That's a lot of fat. He showed me a visual representation of that and it looked pretty gross. I was happy about it but was also a little sad that I hadn't lost more than that. I thought because of the way my clothes were fitting that I had lost more. I have to remember to not be so tied to numbers. The numbers aren't necessarily something that I will agree with or understand why they aren't what I wanted them to be. So if I can just let the numbers go I will be happier about it all.

I also talked with Manuel about the final numbers, where I want to be at the end. I had a little emotional thing there too, when he said that the 185 we had talked about before was where he thought I would end up. I never wanted to end at 185. I thought that was way too high. I thought I would end up at 130. He said I have too much muscle to end up there in a year. If I am at 22% body fat I will be at 165, again way higher than I had thought. Again I was tied to a number. I've been so set on getting my weight down to 130 (because that's where the national stats say someone of my height should be, somewhere between 125 and 140 I believe) that I have wanted to be there for years. I had no idea I had that much muscle on me. He said we could lose muscle eventually if I believe I have more than I want, but that we shouldn't lose it now of course because it helps burn fat.

I don't know if I want to lose the muscle. I've never wanted to be so thin that I looked like I could blow away in a light wind like some girls look. I want to be healthy. Health is my main goal. I had to remind myself that I don't even know what I'll look like at 165. I could really like that look. So I told myself to stop freaking out and wait till I get there to see what I actually think. That helped.

I have been incredibly stressed with payment for the classes I'm taking. I've been trying to upgrade my skills to move back into the field that I actually wanted to be in all along, film and photography. That's where my education lies. I just haven't been able to get the jobs I want. So here I am now, back in school, and my classes are supposed to be covered by the Workforce Investment Act. But trying to get the money from them has been a nightmare. And over the last 2 weeks, especially so. I have been going round and round with them about a check they were supposed to have already sent in to cover 2 classes, but it has never arrived and I've been scrambling trying to get them the information they've lost, contact the people that need to be contacted at the school to try and sit in the classes anyway till they're paid for, find who might be able to trace the check if it indeed did make it here (which I suspect it didn't), etc. I've been so stressed and so tired. I've had to be very conscious of not stress eating and not splurging on the things I would normally turn to in emotional eating (i.e. doughnuts, chocolate, cookies, etc).

I realized, though, that I started getting a little sloppy last week with my food. I started thinking, "Am I done yet?" I just wanted to be done with something, because I was too stressed, too overloaded with constantly trying to keep up with everything right now that I wanted to be done with anything, just get something off the plate. And so I got sloppy with the thing that was easiest to be sloppy with and would give me at least temporary instant gratification, food. I wasn't as concerned with amounts of things for the last few days. I didn't go crazy, thank God. I would have felt guilty if I had. But I wasn't as good as I had been. I ate more fat, didn't eat as much protein or fruits as I should have. But I stayed within my calories and I am not too far off as far as the weekly targets go for protein, fats and carbs.

But I started thinking about it yesterday morning, why was I being so sloppy? And how could I get myself out of it? I realized that this was just like any relationship, any commitment. You can't just say, "I'm going to do something!" one time and expect to feel that commitment for the rest of your life. Things that you care about have to be tended to continuously. And something like your health is a constant, daily commitment. So I recommitted yesterday morning. I told myself that I am still in this, and in it for the long haul. And I had a good day! I ate what I was supposed to eat. I found staying away from the pop-tarts in the vending machine easier, not that I didn't think about them. And the snickers bars. But I made the right choices. And I was happier for it.

And today is going well. I walked right past Beard Pappas, the eclair place (they're soooo good), and all the doughnut places on the way to school. And I'm having the food I need to eat, and that I enjoy.

And my exercise has been going well. I have been working with Mike 3 times a week. Next week he'll be doing a boot camp in Mexico. He and Billy will be doing a working vacation. So I will have next week's workouts on my own using the computer system to remind me of what exercises I'm supposed to do and what they look like, etc. Going to my own gym will save me a lot of time next week and I have to say, I'm excited about that.

I have been doing more walking to school over the last couple weeks, rather than going in to the gym to do just a cardio workout. I just haven't had the time and if I'm still burning the calories I need to burn I wasn't going to make myself crazy trying to fit in doing it at the gym if I didn't have. But I think that I will be able to get back to the more intense cardio on the machines next week. I do like the intensity of working on the machines, and the control of the workout. But I can't always get there and I still need to do something. So walking to the school is a good enough substitute.

But Mike is still kicking my butt. His workouts are pretty intense. I enjoy them, though. He targets muscles that I don't realize are being targeted till later in the day. He's sneaky like that. I'm definitely getting a workout and my clothes are definitely fitting differently, better. People are starting to notice that I'm losing weight. I'm not the only one that sees the difference. And that's nice.

Also! I just found out that Manuel is taking his nutrition business national. Congratulations to him! His system, which he's calling 'Nutrition for You!' will be available to anyone over the computer and by phone. That's really exciting. I know a lot of people who I hope will take advantage of this. I'd love to see them healthier.

Till next time- Bye!

week 6 post 1, 12 pounds down!

Hello All!

Thanks so much for reading! I appreciate everyone's encouragement.

This week had more ups and downs. I started off just trying to eat what I was supposed to eat. But there were 2 things I couldn't stop thinking about: 1. Cakes 2. Did I lose any weight?

I worked out with Mike 3 times and those went well, except for Thursday when I tried to do my cardio before I met with Mike. Trying that made the workout soooo much harder. Bad choice. When I was eating several thousand calories a fay that wasn't an issue. I always had extra energy then.

When I met with Manuel I found out I had lost a total of 12 lbs. That was exciting!

When I went home and told Rhonda, though, I started getting nervous. I wondered f I would be able to keep this up. What if that was all I lost? It wasn't till the next day that I started thinking about it and asked myself, "Has it been very hard so far? No, it hasn't. I just need to take it slowly and concentrate on today.

week 5 post 1

This week has been really good! I've been pretty much spot on! I've gotten my calories right, and the breakdown of the carbs/proteins/fats right. Amazing. Last week I couldn't get any of it right and this week all my numbers are right. I have to be okay with the times I don't get it right.

The only issue this week is that I took on a new shift at my computer lab and when I looked at my calendar to make sure I didn't have any conflicts I needed to reschedule I didn't see a meeting with Manuel. So I had to cancel that meeting, go on the wait list, and hope that someone else canceled theirs. That didn't happen. Everybody has, thus far, kept their appointments. I guess I won't see Manuel till next week.

I have a haircut scheduled right before I see him. I told Mike today that I wanted to go into the meeting saying that I had my hairdresser weigh the hair so I could subtract that from the total on the weigh-in and know what I REALLY lost over these weeks and see what Manuel does. Could be fun!

I have noticed that sometimes I have more energy than before and sometimes I have less. I have been sleeping regularly, and that's a HUGE change from before. I have had sleep issues for as many years as I can remember. I can feel my body changing shape. I haven't had to "suck it in" when I put on things that have just come out of the dryer (that's a nice change). And the things that had started becoming tight before I started with Mike are no longer tight. Yay!

Also, this week was free pastry day at Starbuck's and free cone day at Ben & Jerry's. I've never been to free cone day because I've just never cared that much about ice cream. But I've thought about it every year just because it's free. And the Starbuck's thing... I don't even like the pastries at Starbuck's, but I seriously considered that as well! I didn't end up going to either of them, but I hadn't been able to get pastry and ice cream out of my head. So I looked at what fat and calories I had left in my day and looked at what I had in the house: girl scout cookies and some Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I put all the choices into the online food diary from MV Nutrition and made a conscious choice of what sugar I would eat and how much of it. I ended up eith a serving, 1/2 cup, of Ben and Jerry's everything but the... because it has all sorts of stuff in it, particularly Reese's peanut butter cups, my absolute favorite. Half a cup is a lot of ice cream for me. My leg started shaking. Sugar jitters. Tasted good though. That was the first day I actually ate as much fat as I was supposed to (no surprise, huh?).

week 4 post 3, Things are feeling better.

Even though I totally stressed out about getting to my workout late today (after leaving for the gym 20 mins earlier than normal I arrived late. Thank you, Muni.), the workout was really good. Mike has me working a lot on pull ups of all different kinds. they're really hard to do, but they leave me feeling like I'm moving forward. One day I'll be able to do one unassisted!

week 4, 2nd post Not as bad

Today is Thursday. I saw Manuel on Tuesday. We talked about the weekend and he told me that I hadn't screwed up as badly as I thought. He told me that I needed to get some "backup" meat; things like canned tuna to have around the house so that I'm not out of the things I need. That was helpful. We talked about snacks that I can carry so that I'm not starving if I get caught out longer than I expect.

He asked me if I wanted to get weighed even though it had only been a few days. I said sure. He said that I had lost a little over 6 pounds. I said that I wasn't sure that was correct. I remembered having worn a pair of trousers that were much heavier for the first weigh in. He looked at me as if I had lost my mind. I said I thought I may have only lost about 4 pounds, but that was a good start. He said that the scale said 6 and that was what he was going to tell MIke I'd lost. He also told me that I needed to calm down, stop being so stressed about it all.

Later, at home I really freaked out about it all. I had no idea what was going on but I was really upset. Rhonda said I could cry on her shoulder if I wanted and I took her up on it. She had no idea what she was getting herself into with that and neither did I. I just let loose. I cried like someone had died. I couldn't control myself. Rhonda was a bit shocked and again I got the now infamous, "You really need to calm down!"

Wednesday I finally figured out what was happening. When I recognized that I had been crying like someone had died I realized that I actually was grieving. I was mourning for all the years I'd tried to lose weight but couldn't, for all the times I felt humiliated and was yelled at (yes, yelled at for being fat). I was grieving for letting myself down for years and putting my health at such risk.

And I was scared that I would screw it up or just not be able to do it or it wouldn't work for whatever reasons. And I felt like I have all these people counting on me. I have Mike, Billy and Manuel who chose me over however many people to do this, I have Rhonda who wants me to be healthy, I have my mother/sister/brother who want me to get healthy.

I put so much pressure on myself that I had no chance of living up to it.

I hope that this realization makes calming down easier.