Hi Everone!
So I went home to see my brother's graduation (yay, Jason!) and while I was there I wanted to look for some photos I promised a friend I would post. I found out some stuff I hadn't remembered.
For as long as I can remember I have thought of myself as fat. I remember being told I was a heavy baby because I was 8 or 10 pounds when I was born. I remember being put on weight watchers as a child. I was the youngest one in the meetings, the only child. I remember my grandmother looking at me when I was a child and telling an aunt that she could tell I had lost some weight because you could, "see it in the neck. It looks smaller."
I've always thought of myself as having been fat my entire life. But when I was looking through these photos of me as a child I realized I wasn't always fat. I saw lots of photos of me and could see my collarbones. I could see my legs were thin and my neck was thin. I wasn't always fat.
And it made me realize that I could get back to being thin. That I was capable of actually being thin because I had been thin before. Which made me realize that I hadn't actually thought I was capable of doing this. I was trying as hard as I could but I would eventually fail, as I always did, because I can't lose it. How can I lose it if I'm a fat person? I have always said to myself, "Don't waste their time! Don't waste their time! You have to do as much as you can as fast as you can so you're not wasting their time!" Well, why would I be wasting their time unless they chose someone who couldn't do it?
It makes sense that I would initially think I couldn't actually lose the weight. Having tried and failed as many times as I have, how could that not be in the back of my mind? But I had no idea how deep it went. And no idea that it was really there until I saw those photos. It was a revelation to me.
Since then I have felt a calm I never felt before. I really, truly believe this will happen for me. I truly believe that I can actually reach my goal now.
I hope you're well!
Kelley
Wow Kell! Funny thing is when I was looking at the photos I was thinking the same thing- look at how slim she is in these photos! I remember weight watchers for you and Dad and I remember when you got your thyroid tested hoping that was the answer. I also remember thinking Oh God - I don't know how she got into this mess but I hope I'm never in the same boat.... and then in 4th grade the pediatrician said "she could stand to lose about 3lbs...." and I knew I was fat too. Yup 3 POUNDS and I knew I now had a weight problem and I've been fighting/resisting it ever since!!!! Funny how our personal beliefs about life become a self-fulfilling prophecy!!! Yes you can lose weight! You are just as capable as anybody else on the planet but the real kicker is that you are committed to it and more disciplined when it comes to regular exercise and fitness really than anyone I know. Its remarkable how much you do and have been doing regularly for years. You are truly amazing. Keep it up Kell! I know you'll get to where you want to be!! Love you - Christa
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