week 4, 2nd post Not as bad

Today is Thursday. I saw Manuel on Tuesday. We talked about the weekend and he told me that I hadn't screwed up as badly as I thought. He told me that I needed to get some "backup" meat; things like canned tuna to have around the house so that I'm not out of the things I need. That was helpful. We talked about snacks that I can carry so that I'm not starving if I get caught out longer than I expect.

He asked me if I wanted to get weighed even though it had only been a few days. I said sure. He said that I had lost a little over 6 pounds. I said that I wasn't sure that was correct. I remembered having worn a pair of trousers that were much heavier for the first weigh in. He looked at me as if I had lost my mind. I said I thought I may have only lost about 4 pounds, but that was a good start. He said that the scale said 6 and that was what he was going to tell MIke I'd lost. He also told me that I needed to calm down, stop being so stressed about it all.

Later, at home I really freaked out about it all. I had no idea what was going on but I was really upset. Rhonda said I could cry on her shoulder if I wanted and I took her up on it. She had no idea what she was getting herself into with that and neither did I. I just let loose. I cried like someone had died. I couldn't control myself. Rhonda was a bit shocked and again I got the now infamous, "You really need to calm down!"

Wednesday I finally figured out what was happening. When I recognized that I had been crying like someone had died I realized that I actually was grieving. I was mourning for all the years I'd tried to lose weight but couldn't, for all the times I felt humiliated and was yelled at (yes, yelled at for being fat). I was grieving for letting myself down for years and putting my health at such risk.

And I was scared that I would screw it up or just not be able to do it or it wouldn't work for whatever reasons. And I felt like I have all these people counting on me. I have Mike, Billy and Manuel who chose me over however many people to do this, I have Rhonda who wants me to be healthy, I have my mother/sister/brother who want me to get healthy.

I put so much pressure on myself that I had no chance of living up to it.

I hope that this realization makes calming down easier.